Last time, I took you through Chapters 1-5, in which the idiocy of this story only just got started. When we left off, I said we’d be starting with the train shenanigan. This is the part where the absurdity of the universe that we saw in Diagon Alley hits us full force. Yeah, that’s right. This makes having a single bank in which you withdraw all money personally from the vault and a store that’s been around longer than England has look reasonable and plausible. So, let’s rip right into this, shall we?
Chapter 6:The Journey From Platform Nine and Three-Quarters
Even the title of this one pisses me off. It comes to us on the heels of “Diagon Alley”. Does it seem a little wordy to you? Anywho…
Harry’s abusive Aunt and Uncle agree to drive him to the station in London where he can get on the train for school. It makes sense because they have a history of abusing and neglecting Harry and are so strongly against him going to Hogwarts that his uncle was willing to kill someone over it. So it’s only natural that they should help him pack all of his possessions into the car and drive him to the train station. Sorry, what was that? It doesn’t make any sense at all? They could have made his life ten thousand times more difficult by just leaving him at home? Why, now that you mention it, you’re absolutely right! Even if the Dursleys weren’t able to actually stop him from getting to school, the joy they’d take from inconveniencing him by making him get there on his own would surely be worth it for people like them. But this is Harry Potter, where your abusive relatives pay hundreds of dollars for glasses, doctors appointments, and gas money to get you to school on time.
So Harry gets to the train station with no difficulties. But oh no, he can’t find Platform Nine and Three-Quarters, where he’s supposed to get onto the train! *gasp* This is surprising because that sounds like something that’s standard in all train stations. ……. Yeah, I really don’t know why he’s surprised that he’s having difficulty with this one, either. Obviously it will be cleverly hidden.
Luckily, Harry discovers the hidden location of the platform by watching wizards walk through a spot in the wall. And this, readers, is where I tend to REALLY lose it when talking about this book. Where to begin? Let’s start out by saying that this entire train thing makes absolutely zero logistical sense whatsoever. There is absolutely no way to twist this so that it makes any sense. Let’s begin at the start of the journey, the platform.
First of all…why in God’s name is it platform Nine and Three-Quarters. As opposed to, say, Nine and a Half or, you know…a real platform. They’ve got this hidden, secret platform for wizards to use. The thing is, using this platform requires walking through the wall. And this is a train station. That means that there are people going in and out at all times. Most of whom are not wizards. There are countless passengers, employees, and even security guards here all the time. And somehow, the wizard community expects them not to notice several hundred people all walking through the wall that morning? We know the wizards don’t bother to shut the station down or anything, because Ron’s mother makes a comment about it being full of Muggles. Why make entering your secret platform so conspicuous? It’s absurd. It would make MUCH more sense if they were to close down the station for the day so they didn’t have to worry about it. Or maybe even easier, just…you know…use one of the normal platforms. It’s not like someone is going to get on their train who isn’t going to Hogwarts. Why would you do that? If you’re in a train station, it’s because you have a purpose. And that purpose, if you’re not a wizard, is not to get on the train at platform 9. It’s to get on whatever train you came there to get on. Instead of taking some very simple steps, they just throw a fake wall up and hope no one notices. Thankfully, this is one of those worlds where normal people are all idiots, so no one has commented on it as of yet.
Then there’s the train itself. Does it seem extraordinarily disorganized to you? There’s no one taking any sort of tickets, assigning seating, or even doing any sort of headcount. They’re all acting under the assumption that every single student will be able to get there on time and that children as young as 11 will be able to seat themselves without any trouble whatsoever. As near as I can tell, they don’t bother to check and make sure everyone’s there or anything like that. What if they leave a student behind? What if a Muggle wanders through the wall and onto the train? Why isn’t anyone taking care of this?
And then there’s the train actually getting to the school. A thought, wizarding community: maybe the best way to keep your school hidden is to, you know, not take a bright red train with HOGWARTS EXPRESS plastered on the side and parade it through the English countryside. You realize they had to actually lay the track for this train. Miles and miles of it, going from London to whatever remote location Hogwarts is at. Sure, they could have put that track down with magic, but did they erase the memories of every single Muggle who saw them doing it? That would have some serious ethical implications, not to mention the logistical problems.
Things actually go along more smoothly after that. Harry fins a place to sit and starts hanging out with his BFF Ron. I don’t really have any major problems until this part right here:
[Harry]…Wish I’d had three wizard brothers.”
“Five,” said Ron. For some reason, he was looking gloomy. I’m the sixth in my family to go to Hogwarts. You could say I have a lot to live up to. Bill and Charley have already left. Bill was Head Boy and Charlie was captain of Quidditch. Now Percy’s a prefect. Fred and George mess around a lot, but they still get really good marks and everyone thinks they’re really funny. Everyone expects me to do as well as the others, but if I do it’s no big deal, because they did it first. You never get anything new, either, with five brothers. I’ve got Bill’s old robes, Charlie’s old wand, and Percy’s old rat.”
Do you see the same problem I do? The tiniest excuse from Harry and Ron launches into a detailed speech about his problems. Already, you just know that Ron is going to be a bitch to deal with every step for the way. And, naturally, we’re stuck with him until the bitter, bitter end. This is also one of the most ham-fisted ways I’ve ever seen characters explained to me. Why should we actually see the Weasley kids doing things and figure out for ourselves that Fred and George are screw offs but actually fairly smart? Why should we be shown that Ron never has anything new and is worried that he can’t live up to the expectations of his family? It’s much easier just to have him tell us all of that with the slightest excuse. There we go, all our characterization is done. See, kids? Writing doesn’t take any effort at all!
The rest of this chapter is actually pretty tame, though it might just seem that way because thinking about the train always gives me an aneurism. There are two things Rons says that make me scratch my head, though.
Charlie is in Romania studying dragons. …. Romania. Really? That’s just kind of a random choice, isn’t it? What about Romania sounds conducive to dragons? If I’m going with Romania (or any ‘ania’ for that matter), might as well make it vampires or something. Transylvania is much more interesting, don’t you think? And she couldn’t do worse by vampires than the real You-Know-Who would do a few years later.
The other thing that makes me raise my eyebrow is the information that Bill is in Africa, “doing something for Gringotts.” We’re not told what it is that Bill is doing . Just that it’s ‘something’ in Africa. For the bank. Does anyone else get the impression that Bill is using the skills that made him Head Boy to get his hands on some blood diamonds for the goblins? I want to read that story!
Chapter 7: The Sorting Hat
You remember when I said that things only got even stupider after Diagon Alley? Well, here’s where we reach the first of many peaks.
We dive head first into the stupidity of this process when we’re told about the House Cup. If you’ve read the books (you have), I’m sure you remember. the teachers are always adding and deducting points from the kids and at the end of the year, whoever has the most points (by which I mean whoever Dumbledore chooses) wins the House Cup. And….that’s it. By winning the cup, you win the cup. There is no further reward. I think the only way to explain the problems with this is in list form.
1.) The cup is awarded at the end of the year. The competition begins at the start of the year. That means that you have zero time to enjoy winning. You don’t get to bask in the prestige of winning the House Cup – you win it, you leave, you come back to try and win it again.
2.) There is no standardized system for awarding points. It’s not like, “Answering a question right gains your house 10 points. Setting Filtch on fire deducts 5 points.” Any teacher can give whoever they want however many points they want for any reason that comes to mind. How is any competition supposed to function like that? It’s absurd.
3.) There is absolutely zero incentive to even try to win the Cup. Wizards don’t have college, so it’s not like it’ll look good on your application or something. And it’s such a general reward (given to every person in your house) that it really wouldn’t even matter if they did. It’s not like you get any sort of perks at school, since the year is over when it’s awarded. All you get is to say that your house won the Cup the previous year. Why the hell would anyone bust their ass trying to curry points all year long for the ability to say you did well the previous year?
I think what’s most irritating about that is that there are so many ways to make the Cup thing make more sense. Like adding any reward whatsoever for winning. A small cash prize, some new furniture for the common room, a visit from the Ghost Busters…anything at all would make it better. Seriously, name any sort of reward. Got one? Good. That’s more valuable than the House Cup. And yet, these kids obsess over the thing for the ENTIRE FUCKING YEAR. Look, I can believe in a world where wizards exist and magic is real, that’s fine. But I can’t buy into a story where the kids all act like this.
Anyone else think it’s kind of weird that they let ghosts wander around the school all the time? I know they’re not hurting anyone, but still, are you telling me that isn’t going to screw these kids up? Especially when you’ve got a guy who was almost decapitated and someone who just goes by the name of the Bloody Baron (more on him later). I’m just saying that they maybe should have consulted someone on that.
After being molested by ghosts, the kids go into the Great Hall, where everyone gathers to eat and such. They’re all impressed by the ceiling, which is enchanted so that it looks just like the sky. I’ll admit that’s pretty neat, but you know what else has the same effect? Fucking glass. You know, like what you’ve got in your windows. why go through the effort of magicing the ceiling when you could have just made it out of an ordinary material to begin with? It’s just unnecessary.
Anyhow, that’s when they bust out the Sorting Hat. And that’s when everything spirals out of control. After ripping open like Oogie Boogie’s mouth, the hat starts to sing. I’m not actually all that thrown off by that part of things. what gets me is the song it sings. After insulting various other varieties of hats, it says a few lines that really get to the heart of what’s wrong with this whole process.
“There’s nothing hidden in your head
The Sorting Hat can’t see,
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be.
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the brave at heart,
Their daring, nerve and chivalry
Set Gryffindors apart;
You might belong in Hufflepuff,
Where they are just and loyal,
Those patient Hufflepuffs are true
And unafraid of toil;
Or yet in wise old Ravenclaw,
If you’ve a steady mind,
Where those of wit and learning,
Will always find their kind;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You’ll make your real friends,
Those cunning folk use any means
To achieve their ends.”
Okay…let’s start with the earliest part. The Sorting Hat says there’s nothing in your head it can’t see. Let’s pause for a moment and remember a few things. (Another list! Yay!)
1.) Everyone who goes to Hogwarts gets Sorted, so everyone who ever went there wore the hat.
2.) Some bad wizards graduated from Hogwarts, including Voldemort.
3.) The Sorting Hat can see anything in your head. Meaning that the Sorting Hat got a good, long look inside of Voldemort’s psyche. Voldemort is apparently the most evil wizard of all time (we’ll have to take the narrator’s word for it), and that shit doesn’t just spring up out of nowhere. There had to have been a big old bunch of red flags in his mind. Even if he kept them hidden from everyone else, the Sorting Hat is supposed to be able to see those sorts of things. And yet this hat still said it was totally okay to teach this guy magic. And hey, let’s put him in the house where all of the other wizards who turned evil came from (remember what Hagrid said before about Slytherin). That’s a great idea!
So we have to conclude one of two thigns:
4A.) The Sorting Hat is full of lies and can’t actually tell everything in your mind, making the entire system invalid.
4B.) The Sorting Hat is developmentally disabled. I suppose that’s understandable given the fact that IT’S A FUCKING HAT, but why would you trust it to make a decision that will impact everything about the next 7 years of these kids’ lives?
Obviously, there’s a problem here.
Sadly, all of that isn’t my biggest problem with the Hat. Read that song again. Take a look at how it describes the houses. We’ve got Gryffindor: brave and chivalrous. Then there’s Hufflepuff, loyal and hard workers. Ravenclaw, intelligent and…um…intelligent. And there’s Slytherin: cunning and ruthless. Gee….I wonder which house is the Hat’s favorite? I didn’t realize magically animated talking hats could pick favorites, but obviously I was wrong.
All of this brings me to one of the real problems I have with the series overall. Now, don’t get me wrong – all of the other stuff I’ve mentioned (and will continue to mention) is bad. That’s what makes this a bad book. But that’s not actually why I hate it. I hate the underlying messages of the book, the things that it (inadvertently or purposefully) teaches the children who are supposed to be reading it. It’s these insidious life lessons that really make me detest this garbage because thery’re some of the WORST life lessons I’ve ever heard. Let’s take a look at this one.
The entire premise of the Sorting Hat is that the students are sorted into houses by personality. This means that the students will spend the next 7 years of their lives living with people who think and act the same way they do. And, when combined with the House Cup competition, they’ll subsequently be in a state of constant competition with the other houses – people who think differently than they do. I think the idea is to build companionship between like-minded individuals. Instead, what these kids learn is this: people who think differently than you do – those who have different values, opinions, and so on – are the enemy. They must be beaten, and you must constantly be on your guard because they’ll be trying to beat you.
In simple terms – the terms a child reading this book would put things in – anyone who is different from you is bad.
The House thing (and, by extension, the whole series) basically contains the message that racism, sexism, homophobia, religious fanaticism, and all those other irrational hatreds are perfectly okay. In fact, they’re good! Why should you learn to get along with people who are different from you? Why interact with someone who doesn’t think the same way you do? Their beliefs don’t matter; they’re the ENEMY.
Pictured: the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
That’s the sort of message this book contains. I’m not saying it’s something Rowling did on purpose – I’m sure that’s not the case. But you don’t have to twist any facts to get to that conclusion. And it’s one that any child reading the books could easily come to. It’s lessons like that that make this more than just another poorly written piece of trash. Stuff like that is what makes it something worth hating.
All of that aside, there’s actually more to this chapter than that! *gasp*
The Sorting Hat goes through all of the students heads and puts them in houses. And it makes some of the most ridiculous decisions I can think of regarding where certain people go. Specifically with Ron, Neville, and Hermione. Let’s start with the token girl of the group. The Discrimination Cap puts Hermione in Gryffindor. Hermione (at least right now) is a painfully 1-note character whose only defining characteristics are that she’s got a vagina and a large brain. Oh, and she’d kind of a bitch. There is literally nothing else to her personality. Take a look at the houses again. Did you notice how Ravenclaw’s only definining criteria was that they’re the smart ones? And did you notice how Hermione’s only real defining trait is that she’s smart?
So naturally, she is put in Gryffindor.
Similar thing with Ron and Neville. Neither ever shows an ounce of bravery or chivalry during this book (or most of the later ones). Ron is constantly a coward and a prick, and Neville is completely hopeless but at least he tries hard. Both of them are the definition of Hufflepuff.
Of course, both of them end up in Gryffindor, too.
Now, there is the possibility that their characters develop more in later books (though I don’t remember any character development in any of these things). That’s completely beside the point. The Racism Cap can’t read what you’re going to become. If it could, it would have squealed on Voldemort or any of the other evil wizards who it sent to Slytherin. Unless sending them to Slytherin is it’s way of warning people, but it’s a fucking talking hat, so that doesn’t even start to make sense.
Things calm down for a few moments. Then Dumbles shows up to remind us that, no, this story hasn’t stopped being stupid. Here’s a copy of his opening speech. Keep in mind that this is the first time most of these students have seen him. And given his absence from most events in this book, the other students probably haven’t seen him more than a handful of times.
“Welcome! Welcome to a new year at Hogwarts! Before we begin our banquet, I would like to say a few words. And here they are: Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak! Thank you.”
Seriously, that’s what he’s leading with. I guess he’s supposed to come off as an eccentric old man who is actually very wise and powerful and stuff. But when you consider that in the first chapter, he abandoned a baby on the doorstep in November rather than just knock on the fucking door, it just makes him come off as a senile old coot who has only gotten worse in the last 11 years.
During dinner, we get to meet some of the ghosts. Gryffindor’s resident ghost is a former Knight – which makes sense because they’re supposed to be brave and chivalrous and stuff. that’s fine. Slytherin (you remember, the one where every single evil wizard came from; the one full of “those cunning folk [who will] use any means to achieve their ends.”) gets a ghost, too. The Bloody Baron.
A fucking Baron. Now, I’ve read a lot of fantasy. I’ve seen my share of barons. With the sole exception of Baron Mandorallen of Vo Mandor (Belgariad FTW), every baron you’ll ever see is a villain. You’d think they’d have done enough by this point to hammer in the idea that Slytherin is the bad guys, wouldn’t you? Guess not. They needed a Baron to prove it.
The chapter ends with Dumbles saying more crazy stuff, like how the kids will die if they go through a certain door. I’m sure no one takes him seriously, since he’s obviously insane. Before that and the singalong, it tickles me that he mentions a certain rule that I’m betting none of you remember. Did you know students aren’t supposed to use magic outside of classes? Let’s keep that in mind while reading this series, and take a count of every time a kid uses magic in front of a teacher and doesn’t suffer for it. I bet it’ll be at least 20 per book.
Believe it or not, we’re still not into the deepest part of the idiocy of this book. It gets worse from here.
Welcome to my blog. I'm Ben, a guy who goes out of his way to think differently than the others around him; even if the others are right. Whether right or wong, my thoughts are usually (or, rather, unusually) unique. And now the whole world gets to read them.
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